|New to the Community
||[Nov. 29th, 2004|06:15 pm]
Realm of visions
|||||"To Where You Are" Josh Groban||]|
I am not new to livejournal.com. I did, however, create a new user name, due to the fact that most of the people I know in real life don't feel comfortable (for whatever reason) with this type of thing.
To be honest, I'm not comfortable with it, either. Raised in a conservative Christian family, I was constantly warned about psychics being fakes, and that there was no such thing as precognition. This became a problem at a very young age when I'd suffer from frequent bouts of deja vu. They'd be extremely vivid, and unlike many who have deja vu, I could usually tell exactly where, when, and under what circumstances I'd seen the situation before - usually, it'd be from my dreams.
Eight years ago, I converted to Wicca for many reasons. One reason was that Christianity - at least, the way I was raised - left no room for what was happening to me. I "had an active imagination," or was "a great storyteller," but my mom would get angry and preachy at me when I'd tell her, "Mom, I have a really, really bad feeling." She'd become even more indignant when, w/i two days, someone in our family would die, or something would befall a close loved one.
My mom calls it a 6th sense. She has it, but says it's a punishment of some kind, and does her best to ignore it. It's gone away for the most part, in her case. I tried to ignore it, too. Instead of going away, it got stronger for me. I didn't want it to. Whenever I got the weird feeling in my stomach, I'd not want to answer the phone, knowing damn well that w/i the next 48 hours, we'd get THE phone call. My dreams got more vivid, and then I started getting (dreams?) during the day in 1997. I'd be completely fine, talking to a friend or doing something else, and suddenly I'd either hear something or I'd get goosebumps out of nowhere. Things would start to fade a little bit, and I'd start... not seeing stuff that wasn't there, but feeling them. By the end of 1997, I was being physically affected by them. By 1999, I was actually seeing images of stuff. Weird, random images, but they always seemed to make sense, and they always REALLY made sense within a few days when corresponding REAL situations would take place.
Now I meditate when I start to have these weird events. A friend told me I should try to "focus" it, but half of me honestly always hopes that there's nothing to focus. In the last 12 years, I've come to understand why my mother thought it was a punishment. Even now as I write this, it sounds stupid in my head. Every time it happens, I say "It's just a coincidence." A week ago, a dear friend finally said, "You know... you keep saying that, but that's a lot of coincidences, isn't it? Who are you trying to convince that it's a coincidence?" I didn't want to tell her that I was - and am - trying to convince myself. I don't want this; I never have. I want to be rid of whatever it is, but it doesn't look like I ever will be. I've been waiting for over 15 years to wake up one day and find that it had disappeared.